27. Musings I

You can do it all but maybe not all at the same time.

I feel I constantly find myself in this routine of burnout. I am not even sure why I call it that but I guess for a lack of better term. At the top of the year, my goal was always to understand my rhythm and to ride the wave so-to-speak, to catch momentum and allow rest when that period is over. I think it worked well within the first half of the year. However, I now find myself disorganized.

Do what you can when you can. I do crave structure. I am realizing that I put too much on my plate this year. That was never even the intention. But I think perhaps, and I struggle to admit this, that I have been operating from a space of lack— of stuffing my face while food is available, and certainly not from a place of abundance. I sometimes am embarrassed to admit that I guess. I had every intention of pacing myself. And while the opportunities that are on my plate are the best that I have ever had, perhaps moving forward it is best to establish some discipline. Learn from the lessons of the past. Learn from the lessons of this year, tweak myself and adapt through it all. Be the harbinger of change. Set myself up for success in that way.

I think about how Oprah was always my mom’s biggest idol growing up, still is probably. Oprah said to bet on myself and I shall reap the rewards. I still intend to do that, wholeheartedly, but perhaps there is a way to be smarter gambler. Although, I do believe that betting on myself is never truly a gamble